What comes to mind when you hear people talk about the power of prayer?
Maybe you’re all in–”Amen, sister!”
Maybe you internally roll your eyes a bit.
Or maybe you just kind of shrug your shoulders, indifferent. Prayer is akin to writing in a journal for you–beneficial, maybe even therapeutic, but your prayers are vague and with little expectation.
I fell into this last category until very recently. As background, I grew up with a mother who was a true prayer warrior, beating back the power of Satan with her words. She didn’t concern herself with the “right” way to pray, she just prayed, nonstop, for the big and the small. She would constantly pray for signs from God, for good parking spaces, and even for people or places whom she thought were inhabited by demons. She would pray to win the lottery, so she could give money to the church. I’m fairly certain I recall her praying for the death of Osama bin Laden. Her prayers were unfiltered and occasionally made me cringe, but there was always a powerful presence behind them that I never quite understood. My mother witnessed many miracles, and she was the kind of person people would call up in the middle of night asking to pray over them when things went wrong–because her prayers often, inexplicably, resulted in divine action.
I, however, am not my mother (yet). Pushing back on my upbringing, I was much more careful with God. I treated Him with the respect I thought He deserved. He wasn’t a slot machine. He wasn’t there to give me parking spaces or money, and I would certainly never pray judgment on others. God knew what He was doing, and I trusted Him to do it. “Your will be done,” was my constant refrain. The result of this, though, was that my relationship with God didn’t have much vibrancy–certainly nothing approaching conversation. I loved the Lord’s Prayer, but the rest of Jesus’ teachings I didn’t quite know what to do with. “Ask and ye shall receive”? Really? What did that even mean?
This month, I knew I wanted to do something on prayer for LUTHERWOMAN, but had absolutely no idea what angle to push or what to write. I wasn’t exactly someone who, you know, prayed a lot. I was more of a “read the Bible, learn about God, journal a bit, and trust that He holds everything in His hands” kind of person–no awkward conversation required. But I figured I could survive a month, one month, of trying to do things differently, in the interest of research. And what followed was one of the wilder rides I’ve been on in my faith–God showing up in my face, showing me exactly what He’s capable of. “What took you so long?” He seemed to say. But let me explain:
My life is kind of a mess at the moment. Sometimes you’re just in the trenches, unable to see the light, and wondering “How long, O Lord? When will it stop?” To be clear, not everything about the last 12 months has been awful, but life just keeps hitting my family with these huge life-altering situations, and we’re exhausted in all the ways. On top of the ongoing chaos and fallout from our decision to move to the UK (selling our house in the States, trying to learn how to drive, finding local jobs, sorting out education for all the children), we have been hit with a barrage of health issues, both of the physical and mental variety. My husband’s body seems to suddenly be attacking him at every turn, my eldest daughter was diagnosed with anxiety and emetophobia, my 6-year-old daughter seems to have developed mysterious GI issues, and I became unexpectedly pregnant. Again. Around Christmas, my 16-year-old, who had been living in the States with his dad, decided he wanted to come live with us in the UK, which has been amazing–but also a huge adjustment to suddenly have a teenager in the house full time. To top it all off, our Georgian fixer-upper lurks in the background, always desperately needing attention somewhere.
The result of all this has been financial strain, mental and physical fatigue, and not enough hours in the day to do all the things needed. But the saddest bit for me was that I felt like I was losing any sort of enjoyment of life. I couldn’t look at my surroundings without seeing all the things that needed doing. I felt pressure to start pursuing a source of income, because our finances just weren’t working anymore, but couldn’t get away from the near-constant needs of our children and the household. My daughter’s mental health issues were smothering me a bit, and I started having the feelings of being trapped in my own home. My toddler was, well, a toddler. And the realization that a new baby would be joining us in just a few short months should have been a source of joy, but all I could think about was how I would be even more tired and overwhelmed. My husband, my best friend, was rapidly becoming a stranger; we had become two people tiredly pushing ourselves through the day, clinging to the hope that it wouldn’t always be this way.
And then, one morning, I woke up deeply saddened by the fact that I somehow lived in a life where I hadn’t had a meaningful conversation with my husband for several months. I cried off and on for most of the day (likely due to pregnancy hormones), imagining a future where this was my new normal for years to come. And then, emotionally spent, feeling defeated and with nowhere else to turn, I prayed. I prayed for my husband, sure, but I mainly prayed that my own heart would change. That I would learn to place more value on our relationship, above all the petty chores and even child-related tasks that would never end. I prayed that I would have the eyes to be able to see the many gifts surrounding me, and respond with gratitude instead of just trying to drag myself through every moment in survival mode.
I had no expectations of God while doing this. As I’ve alluded to, up until this point in my life, most of my personal prayers were occasional single-sentence pleas that I would toss heavenward without much thought. But in this moment, my breaking point came, and my prayer was a cry from someplace much deeper. I knew I wanted more from my life, and I couldn’t get there on my own. Not more things (money, better house, health, whatever), but more joy and purpose and peace and love. Mostly, I just wanted my best friend back.
Well, I know this is going to sound a bit wild, but the following day, I immediately noticed a change. Literally from the moment I opened my eyes, I was completely smitten with my husband. It was like we were on our honeymoon or something. I craved his presence, I wanted sex in all the ways. It was a bit shocking, I’ll admit–I was a tired, stressed, fat pregnant lady; where was all this coming from? While he was at work, I found time to prep supper, shave my legs, and dig out a slightly sexier bra from the depths or my drawers. But the change wasn’t just in my own desires for intimacy–I was more at peace with my environment. I was kind and patient with the children. The world had lost its oppressive-like qualities and now seemed like a place of possibility and wonder, as if the Joy Of The Lord was this tangible thing that had been plopped directly into my lap. I felt like a human being again, and it was completely unbelievable to me.
When my husband got home, though, his day at work had been really rough. The company he works for has been going through its own financial issues, and the higher-ups made the decision to shut it down completely. So now, on top of everything, his job was up in the air. He was mentally in a pretty terrible spot. He dragged himself through supper, and then immediately crawled into bed. Shoving aside any other preconceived notions I had about the evening, and unsure what to do, I prayed for my husband. (“Show me what to do, Lord! Help me help him!”) And then, after making sure the kids wouldn’t disturb us, I went up and laid down next to him. For almost an hour, we watched in silence as the sky out of our bedroom window turned pink and orange with the setting sun. I could slowly feel him starting to relax, all his stress melting away from the simple gift of being able to just quietly be together. Eventually, sensing the right moment, I made a joke about how I wished our door actually had a lock on it.
I won’t go into details, but let’s just say the hour after that was exactly like something from our honeymoon. We were both fully present in the moment, unhurried, without a care in the world. I can probably count on one hand the number of times we’ve had such an intimate experience in the entire 12 years we’ve been married. There is no rational way to explain how both of us got there–him stressed about employment and money, his body uncomfortable, and me a tired and also uncomfortable blob who traditionally doesn’t really enjoy pregnancy sex. It was a miracle, a gift, and one that kept on giving in the weeks that followed. That night served as a reset for our relationship, a reminder of what’s important. He now wakes up earlier to have breakfast with me in the morning before heading off to work. We go on walks on the weekends. We prioritize each other, and find time to talk about life, ask questions, and dream big about the future.
And it’s not just our relationship. My whole heart has softened and recalibrated, dramatically impacting my day-to-day experience. I prayed for God’s joy, and that’s what I got! Our problems certainly haven’t gone anywhere, and life continues to try and beat us down–our future still holds far too many unknowns for my liking, my to-do lists are too long, and I’m just tired. And yet I’m able to have the slow moments, the appreciation for the little things, and can see the beauty in those around me rather than just being frustrated or annoyed at everyone. It’s like God is giving me a taste of the easy yoke and light burden from Matthew 11.
No amount of vacation or “self-care” or therapy would have gotten me to the place I am, and certainly not within such a short amount of time. In our Western individualism, we are constantly tempted to try and tackle life alone, but as I recently heard one pastor say, trying to do life without prayer is like trying to push a car that’s out of gas up a hill in neutral. You can do it, sure, but prayer is the gas in the car that will get you there much easier. Again, reading about it is one thing; experiencing it directly for yourself is mind-blowing.
Once I started praying, really praying, it became hard not to see God’s hand directly at work. Around this same time, I was really struggling with my youngest daughter who was having a hard time adjusting to “real” school after being homeschooled. Every morning, she would scream and throw fits and make all our lives miserable. I was at a complete loss. I hated sending her, but didn’t really have any other viable options. Then, one morning, it’s like a lightbulb went off in my head–I should pray for her! (I can really be dense sometimes). So I did. I prayed she would find her place at this new school, find friends, grow in confidence, and let her light shine for others. That same day she came home after school saying a new girl had started who was really shy, and that she was working hard to make friends with her and help her feel welcome. A week later, they were inseparable. If that wasn’t enough, my daughter also started getting recognition from her teachers in the form of awards at assembly for all the hard work she was doing, and being a good example to others. She now loves her school, and I’m left to simply stand back and watch in awe as God showers His blessings.
Obviously God doesn’t answer all prayers in such a timely manner, but it’s almost like He was trying to show me without a shadow of a doubt that He’s there, listening, and that I’ve been missing out on this wonderful relationship for years. Prayer has become enjoyable (yet another miracle), not necessarily because of the results, but because of the realization that I’m talking to the Creator of the universe and He actually listens and cares about my small existence. I know we all have heard this stated repeatedly, but actually experiencing it for yourself makes it real in a most remarkable way. I no longer believe there’s anything in the world that’s impossible with God.
Have all my prayers this month been answered in such a direct and positive manner? No. A big prayer my husband and I have at the moment is that we’re trying to sell our house in the United States. The tenants moved out a few months ago and we decided we would just sell it instead of renting again. Easier said than done. The house has been on the market for much longer than anticipated, and our finances are a complete wreck under the burden of two mortgages. I have prayed long and hard about this, my husband as well–yet here we are. My prayers have evolved from praying that the house would sell to praying for provision in the meantime. It hasn’t been easy, but God has definitely taken care of us. Somehow, the bills always get paid, and it is enough. We are grateful.
It’s important to remember, though, that God is not just a god who’s there to make it all better when you’re in crisis. Times of trouble are just really easy gateways to bring you back into the relationship. Ultimately, as we grow in our faith, our prayer should be that God would give us the eyes to see the world as He sees it–a broken world filled with broken people that need love and forgiveness and compassion. Do you believe that God actually wants to partner with you to bring the joys of His kingdom to your corner of the world? Do you trust that such things are even possible? Pray for such a heart.
My biggest takeaway from this past month is not to overthink prayer. My mother, flawed human being that she is, still had the right idea. God invites us to approach Him with the casual confidence, assurance, and trust of Bluey and Bingo jumping all over Bandit, their dad–yet many of us don’t, assuming God has bigger and more important things to tend to. But God really does crave the relationship, the back and forth, the from-the-heart conversation that isn’t focused on rules or a formula or a ten step process. Prayer does not have to be complicated or “right”–just genuine. He’s ready and waiting to bring our heart alongside His, to change us from the inside out, to lead us to see the world as He sees it (which, I can personally testify to, is a much nicer way to live).
Circumstances won’t always change, and indeed we’re promised many trials and tribulations, but those are nothing when we have the power of the Spirit behind us. If we’re open and willing to lean fully on Him and go where He leads, He will show us exactly what’s possible, and how to bring new life to places we long thought forgotten and dead. Life is not set to unfold in one specific way. Your life isn’t set in stone. It’s a malleable path that God invites you to join Him on, learning to trust Him fully as you go. So talk to God! Make your requests known. Pray deeply from the heart, and be amazed by the response.
