I grew up in a large, tight-knit, homeschool family in Texas. When I went away to college it was the first time I had been to a “real school” since kindergarten. To call this transition a culture shock would be an understatement!
I was so excited for the new phase of my life. I was excited for the “college experience” and all that entails, and was thrilled to begin preparing for a career in ministry that I was so passionate about. I was also terrified to go to what felt like a “huge” school with so many people from around the country, and felt a lot of anxiety over leaving the people and places I was so familiar and comfortable with. I’m what people call an “ambivert” personality—a mix of introvert and extrovert—but I do tend toward the introverted side of the scale.
Those first few weeks of school were a very lonely time for me. I wasn’t sure where I fit in. I felt alone even on a campus of a few thousand people. However, I soon found my “group” and learned how to be more outgoing and less shy. It helped that, even though we were from different parts of the country and different social backgrounds, we all had Concordia in common; we had professors and classmates, chapel and classes, and our dorm-life all to draw on as shared experiences. All of this helped me to overcome feelings of loneliness and I developed a true sense of belonging and community.
My college years were some of the most amazing, formative years of my life. Fast-forward four years to graduation and getting a “grown-up job”…
I graduated and went on to a large LCMS congregation to serve in worship ministry. This transition was just as jarring as the transition from “homeschool” to “college.” I grew up in small Lutheran churches, and the church I started working at had nearly 1,800 members! Even though the church was large, there was a noticeable lack of young 20-somethings who regularly attended worship. Coming from college life where I was surrounded by peers, this was yet another culture shock.
Once again, I found myself feeling very alone even in a large worshiping community.
I made friends with some fellow staff members and volunteers and enjoyed our conversations, but my interactions with them were mostly limited to worship time, rehearsal time, and some meetings. I worked primarily alone in my cubicle. I lived for Sunday mornings when I could greet people on their way into church. Afterwards, though, I went home from work to a quiet apartment. I adopted a cat from the humane society so I wouldn’t come home to an empty place. At one point I was so desperate just to be in a room with other people that I joined the local YMCA. I hate working out, so that should tell you how desperate I was!
I was almost never alone, but still found myself lonely more often than not. I soon learned that “loneliness” was different from simply “being alone.” No matter how hard I worked to be more extroverted or to put myself in proximity to more people, the loneliness never truly went away. I realized that my loneliness was brought on by a lack of meaningful relationships and strong social connections, not simply from being alone. I missed the closeness of my family who now lived 1,000 miles away from me. I missed the community I had built in college that had now scattered across the country—and even the world—after graduation.
In my life, “loneliness” was feeling alone even in a crowd of people. I felt alone and not truly known by anyone.
It took time to establish a community and build friendships. The “culture shock” of moving to the next phase of life definitely made me more shy and introverted and reluctant to step outside of my comfort-zone to make friends. College made relationship-building easy; this skill was definitely harder to exercise in the “real world.” I eventually realized that if I had any hope of overcoming loneliness and thriving in my new home, I needed to open my life up, not just to people through physical proximity, but through authentic, meaningful relationships.
I began praying fervently for a friend. I prayed for a friend that would feel like family. Thank you, Lord, for hearing and answering prayers.
At the time there was one gal around my age in the church who was also single, living on her own, going to grad school, and looking for connections and community. For a time I felt skeptical that we would ever find common ground apart from those few things—we are very different people—and I kind of wrote her off. She was persistent, though, and kept inviting me to spend time with her, and I am so thankful she didn’t give up on me! Over time and by opening up in conversations, I soon found that we had more in common than I thought we would! We are now very close friends and I refer to her as my sister. We’ve walked through a lot of life together over the last decade and both of us have learned and grown a lot as a result of being friends with each other.
Making friends as an adult can be tricky, but it is so important. People need people. People need real, authentic relationships. Overcoming loneliness isn’t about the quantity of people in your life; it’s about the quality of people in your life. Everyone has a desire and need to be known and loved. It’s a need ultimately fulfilled in our relationship with God as our Father and Creator, but a need that is also met this side of the resurrection through faithful friends.
Over time we will all undoubtedly walk through phases of our lives where relationships look different. We will likely experience periods of loneliness with each new chapter as we grow and experience the need for more or different types of relationships. That’s why it’s important to recognize loneliness for what it is and step out in faith to form relationships.
If you find yourself lonely,
- Pray that God would bring the right people into your life. You may have to be a little persistent like my friend was with me, but it will be worth it in the long run.
- Recognize loneliness as a need for relationship, not just proximity to people, and be bold and brave in seeking those relationships out.
- Hold on to relationships that mean the most to you while also being open to the possibilities of new relationships. You are worth being known and loved.
- Be brave and go find those people you can know and love and who can know and love you. In the interim, though, remember that “there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24b), Jesus Christ, the one who never leaves or forsakes His own.
I know from experience that those words can sound trite when you’re lonely, but they are true. God supplies and meets every need in and through Christ Jesus. In Him, dear sister, you are never alone.
