Body Image

I can't remember the day. It wasn't like in the movies where the girl slowly brings her face up to the mirror and she suddenly feels different. It did not arrive suddenly, and I didn't even see it happening. I noticed it more and more, that I looked in the mirror and I hated what I saw. When I looked, I cringed. I did whatever I could to do to get away from that mirror and move on with my day. As I went on with the mundane chores I had on my agenda, I felt a heaviness. I felt a weakness. It transformed from “well….It will have to work for today” to “I can't look at myself at all today”. Looking at the mirror and hating what I saw was starting to turn me into a different person. I didn't want to be around people anymore. I stopped caring about myself. I would stop doing my hair and my makeup, I wouldn't
Even now, eleven years later, I can still remember the first time a boy pointed out a pimple on my face. We were standing in the lunch line and he mentioned it. That’s it. He just pointed it out and turned back around after I made a face at him, eyes burning with tears. To him it was a simple observation, but to me it was the soul-crushing realization that other people could see my flaws that I tried to keep far away from the daylight. That moment started a years-long battle against my skin, and even my own identity.

At first, it seemed I might just get a few pimples like some of my friends. Pimples that you’d notice, but that would go away within a few days. I reasoned
A few years ago in grad school, I was taking a course that reflected on embodied theology. Embodied theology recognizes that our faith is not just a part of our life, but encompasses our entire being. This theology grows out of the recognition that when Jesus rose from the dead, He still bore the scars of His crucifixion. The professor was talking about how we will be reunited with our bodies in Heaven, and suddenly, I felt tears start to fall. He spoke up, “Allie, what are your thoughts on this?” and I replied, “but I don’t want my body in Heaven, I thought Heaven was supposed to be perfect.”

Have you ever felt this way? Burdened by a body
Because, first of all, we don’t talk about it with anyone. This is a lonely struggle.

Being overweight has been a thing for me since 7th grade. The girls all did a “what do you weigh” in the locker room before gym class and I was maybe 4 pounds higher than those of similar height. It was the beginning.

Do you remember the first moment you felt overweight?

My history with fitness started in the first grade. Any time we would be made to run, my side hurt badly. I gave up on running early on.