Feelings

Broken relationships. Sickness. Miscarriage. Death of a loved one. Loss of a pet. There are so many different things that might contribute to a feeling of grief throughout the Christmas season. During this time of year, grief sometimes feels unwelcome or misunderstood. It seems out of place with the joyful decorations and parties and parades that occupy the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I think the stark opposition between grief and joy only serves to intensify the feeling of grief for one who is sad. You’re not supposed to feel unhappy during the holidays, right? But what if you do? Is it wrong? Should Christmas just pass you by?

In December of 2015, I experienced a miscarriage. It was my second in six months. Medically, I needed a D&C to help my body complete the
Not long ago, I saw an article about a fellow ministry family getting ready to move across the ocean to begin a new chapter in their ministry. How funny that this would show up today of all days, as we are preparing for a trip home to see my dad’s family for a reunion. I grew up in a tight-knit family. We saw each other often, but it's been 15 years since I have seen most of them. Children have grown up, aunts and uncles have gone to their heavenly home and some are declining in health. Life in ministry is a two edged sword: very rewarding as well as very much a struggle.

Maybe these thoughts are in my head after the call I received on Father's day weekend, that my dad had fallen down the stairs and they were on their way to the hospital. Thank you, God, for only
My husband’s alarm goes off and I pretend I didn’t hear it - convincing my body to ignore it and go back to sleep. The bed is warm and I know if I move the day will begin and I’m not ready to face it. And yet I know if I don’t get up I will be angry with myself for being ever behind on the never-ending list of things that must get done.

My body doesn’t move. It’s like my brain doesn’t know how to function and moving is one more decision too much for my brain to handle. Trapped by the bed and my own self, I lay there frozen in position. The longer I stay, the more stressed I feel, but the inertia needed to move the heavy mass on my shoulders and heart is too much.

Finally, once the level of stress is comparable to
I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge where I am today. Not too long ago, I wrote here about burning out after spending ten years in a high-profile firm. Little did I know then that God was about to uproot everything in my life—or what seemed like everything. People’s lives change; they move away, or they move on, and soon after writing that article, our lives began to shift dramatically.

My family struggled to find our place in our community and church, despite our efforts. We tried to integrate, to contribute, but it felt like we were not needed, or even wanted. My daughter faced challenges at school, and I found myself involved in some complicated and challenging situations within the church. Despite my sincere efforts to contribute and
It’s a dark crisp fall morning. The street lights are still on and there is hardly any traffic on the roads.

It is time to wake up my teenage daughter for school. My daughter is not a morning person much like her Dad and really struggles to get out of bed every day. However, her struggle to get out of bed is even harder as she wrestles with major depression and other mental health problems. I dread waking her up most mornings because the struggle is real. The struggle isn’t only on her but for me to encourage and motivate her to get ready for school. If you have any experience with depression or anxiety, getting out of bed can be really tough. It is challenging even as a parent to motivate myself in a loving way daily to get her out of bed.
It was mid-December, and we were in the throes of Christmas preparations. Each year I make a list of each person I want to give gifts to, plan a budget, and write out some ideas. I was studying the list, feeling completely overwhelmed that we could hardly afford gifts for our children let alone anyone else on the list. The days were counting down quickly, and it felt so hopeless. Our family was in a difficult financial situation, and this was just one more thing added to that list. The anxiety was coming over me like waves as I imagined Christmas morning with nothing under the tree.

In the darkness of this moment, I felt the Holy Spirit ask me, “Can you praise Me right now?” I was dumbfounded and just sat there as I considered the question. My ultra-convicting, brutally honest answer was,
Have you ever felt broken? It might be a sudden and significant loss that turns your world upside down. It might be more of a continual stress that eventually leaves you broken. I think back to when my son broke his wrist and we had to figure out how to handle the break.

First, we had to recognize the brokenness. If you have an injury that suddenly swells and leaves you unable to walk or raise your arm you know you have a serious injury and need to seek help. If you lose someone you care about suddenly, you feel an instant, gut wrenching pain. But, if you have ever had a stress fracture this occurs as a part of the body is
Sometimes, living a life of faith is a rollercoaster of emotions. When I was eight, my grandmother was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer. I was scared that I was going to lose the grandparents I was closest to and I prayed every night with my mom that Grandma would get better. But she didn’t. Stage IV cancer doesn’t just go away.

My grandma took a lot of comfort in the story of Hezekiah. In 2 Kings chapter 20, Hezekiah, king of Judah, became deathly ill. The prophet Isaiah literally told him that he was going to die. But when Hezekiah prayed for healing, God gave him fifteen more years to live. My grandma told God she would be content
I’m normally a great sleeper (sorry to all you insomniacs out there!). I’ve gotten to the point where I get sleepy at an embarrassingly early time, at times competing with my own kids’ bedtime routines, but I need my sleep, dang it! Once I’m down, I can usually stay down for the night, a robust 6-8 hours, depending on the day’s schedule. That is, unless something wakes me (preschooler needing to go to the bathroom, preteen waking with a coughing fit, highschooler needing his middle of the night bowl of cereal fix…), at which point I’m wide awake.

And this is when the wrestling happens. Just me and my mind…Will I be able to get back to sleep?
It was time. I could sense myself getting overwhelmed in life. To the point that I’d turned to mindless scrolling to curb the overwhelming feelings I was having.

Sometimes when I have too much on my plate I can’t pick a starting point. Or, I start everything on my list and end up in bigger chaos. This past November, we had a lot going on with interviewing for future jobs post-seminary (my husband is a 4th year student). We were in a busy time of year with homeschooling and Jason’s class load being heavy, in addition to our outside meetings.

I just started to feel the pressure of the pile-on. So, I