Even now, eleven years later, I can still remember the first time a boy pointed out a pimple on my face. We were standing in the lunch line and he mentioned it. That’s it. He just pointed it out and turned back around after I made a face at him, eyes burning with tears. To him it was a simple observation, but to me it was the soul-crushing realization that other people could see my flaws that I tried to keep far away from the daylight. That moment started a years-long battle against my skin, and even my own identity.
A Spiral of Fears
At first, it seemed I might just get a few pimples like some of my friends. Pimples that you’d notice, but that would go away within a few days. I reasoned with myself. I’d just cover them up with makeup and nobody would notice. If anyone did notice, I’d think about it for days, thinking that if someone saw my acne, they must have not been seeing me. At some point during my teenage years, I started developing cystic acne, which is deeper, more persistent, and significantly more noticeable. This is the type of acne that makeup tries and fails to hide, and makes typical home remedies quiver in their boots. When I felt someone’s eyes lingering on my cystic acne, I felt a light inside myself being extinguished. I felt a voice inside saying “you’re not worthy.” I didn’t realize how much Satan was going to use my own insecurities against me.
Self-loathing and Desperate Attempts
After a while, it didn’t matter if I noticed someone looking at my skin or not; I just assumed they were. It didn’t matter if they were critical or not; I had a bad feeling in my gut that everyone was sizing up my worth based on my face. It became harder to look people in the eyes. If someone was talking to me when I felt insecure about my face, I found it difficult to find the right words. When my skin was in bad shape, my confidence was in shambles. I would pick at, scrape, and even accidentally burn or break skin with my attempts to get rid of the cysts. On bad days, it felt like my face was just a combination of spots, cysts, and bloody scabs. I tried all the typical solutions. If you’re thinking, did you try “fill in the blank”? Yes. I tried that. I tried lasers, medications, and all kinds of creams and solutions. Perhaps there was something wrong with me. I was just predisposed to a certain kind of ugliness that would follow me my whole life. Because of my face, I just wasn’t good enough to be who I hoped I would become.
Reevaluating through God’s Eyes
After years of this, I finally realized that my acne just wasn’t going to “go away” in my sleep one night and I’d wake up cured. After years of crying myself to sleep, picking my skin bloody, and dealing with side effects from medications, I finally gave up the battle. I still took care of my skin, but I gave up the battle against myself. God led me to realize that in his eyes, my face was made in His image, that my smile was his creation, and that my skin troubles were just a temporary symptom of a temporary world. I felt the power of the words of Colossians 3:12-17,
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.”
Even more than my skin and my clothes, I was covered in Christ’s redeeming blood. I was covered in forgiveness and covered in kindness. With His joy shining through me, I felt more beautiful than ever before. Walking around in full confidence as a daughter of Christ made me realize that my fears, self-loathing, and perfectionism were keeping me from meeting new people, stepping into my potential, and showing my face boldly as a representative of God’s love.
A Loving Approach
Once I learned to love my face and body as “chosen, holy, and beloved,” (Colossians 3:12) I was able to detangle my self-worth from my appearance. I took care of my skin more gently and compassionately, and I’ve slowly watched my worst acne fade in the rear view mirror over the years. I still have breakouts and disappointments, but now I complete my daily skincare routine out of love for this body that God created and sustains instead of an obsession with “fixing” myself. I pray that by sharing this story you may banish those deep insecurities like mine and step into your true identity as a beloved child of God every day.