Broken relationships. Sickness. Miscarriage. Death of a loved one. Loss of a pet. There are so many different things that might contribute to a feeling of grief throughout the Christmas season. During this time of year, grief sometimes feels unwelcome or misunderstood. It seems out of place with the joyful decorations and parties and parades that occupy the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I think the stark opposition between grief and joy only serves to intensify the feeling of grief for one who is sad. You’re not supposed to feel unhappy during the holidays, right? But what if you do? Is it wrong? Should Christmas just pass you by?
MY EXPERIENCE WITH HOLIDAY GRIEF
In December of 2015, I experienced a miscarriage. It was my second in six months. Medically, I needed a D&C to help my body complete the process. The outpatient procedure was done the day before Christmas Eve. No one knew about this loss except our close family. So when I, the pastor’s wife, attended church on Christmas Eve, I was met with smiles, hugs, matching family outfits, and people snapping photos. I was devastated. Physically, I still carried the actual pain of the loss. Emotionally, I felt broken. My grief was the lens through which I viewed everything around me. (I will never understand how my husband managed to write and preach three sermons that week. I believe a mother’s pain is often more intense when it comes to miscarriage, but he was grieving too. We both were.)
At that church it was a tradition for a young child to carry baby Jesus to the manger at the beginning of the service. I watched through the lens of grief. It did not feel joyous. It did not feel like a celebration. It was painful. It was a reminder of the baby I would not carry. After the service, every smile, every light-hearted “Merry Christmas!” felt like a knife to my raw wound. In that place, my husband and I experienced grief alone. Looking back, I think that was a mistake. We could have grieved with and been comforted by others.
SHARED GRIEF
I was at a conference recently when I heard Dr. Beverly Yahnke, a Lutheran psychologist, speak about the transfer of grief or pain. Scientists have studied the human brain of both the one experiencing pain, and the one who listens to the person in pain. When someone is experiencing grief or pain, specific neurons in the brain light up on scans. The pain is visible. It’s measurable. It’s real. When they speak this grief or pain to another who listens well, the hearer’s neurons light up in the same way. Grief is shared. It’s felt by both. There’s an understanding, then; a mutual experience. These “mirror neurons” demonstrate that people who listen to our pain or grief truly experience it with us. The one in pain is then not alone.
I look back to my Christmas grief, and know that my experience would have been vastly different if we’d told others of the pain we were feeling. In the moment, it didn’t feel like something we wanted to wave a flag over, but I think sharing our grief with others would have lightened the darkness of the lens through which I viewed that entire season. God made us to feel empathy with one another. He designed our brains with “mirror neurons.” This is not an accident. It’s not a fluke of nature. It’s a purposeful mechanism by which humans can listen, feel, and lift the grief or pain of another.
“BUT I STILL DON’T FEEL LIKE CELEBRATING”
I didn’t do much celebrating that year. I opened gifts with family. I sat at the holiday table. I didn’t feel my normal sense of joy. I was burdened by the loss. I felt raw. If this is you…..if you feel more pain than joy….if you feel more grief than excitement, I’m writing today to say, “That’s okay.”
The truth is, you don’t have to feel joyous at Christmas time. You don’t have to go to parties. You don’t have to sing carols or watch the parade. The holiday season, Christmas specifically, is not about how you feel. It’s not about how much you decorate or how fun you are in a crowd. Christmas is the day we remember the birth of Jesus Christ. It’s not about you. It’s FOR you.
Jesus came to earth as a baby. He came to live a life without sin. He lived and then died, so that by his death, we might receive life. Jesus experienced pain and grief. Every emotion that we choose to share or not share with others, he knows. His “mirror neurons” light up for you and for me. He feels our pain. He knows our grief. You don’t have to feel joy to receive the gift that he offers.
You don’t have to act a certain way at Christmas. You don’t have to feel a certain thing, even if everyone else in the room feels that thing. You don’t have to wear matching outfits. You don’t have to smile in photos. You don’t even have to take the photos. Christmas is still FOR you. Jesus is FOR you. His grace is FOR you. Let Jesus share your grief. Use the people that he’s placed into your life. They’re designed to listen. Let them.
