There I was after having received most of the things I had once dreamed about, or so I thought.
After losing my way in my early twenties, I later graduated at the top of my college class, and was working for a firm with an incredible reputation. I had a phenomenal mentor and I loved my team at work. I was motivated and career driven. I wanted to prove what I could do and who I was. No more girl from a small town in the bootheel of Missouri, I meant business.
I excelled at the firm and quickly drank the kool-aid…that is, believing this work-life balance dream was achievable. I just needed to work more first to earn it. I had a large circle of friends outside of work, too, and if I wasn’t working, I was going out and living life – that double income no kid (DINK) life.
Brian, my husband, and I were young and we had fun, like fear of my daughter reading this one day type of fun. We traveled, ate all the good food, and we saved for retirement. We thought we were really nailing the whole grown up vibe.
Then one day we really had to grow up as our newest travel buddy, our daughter, was born. I was 30 at the time I gave birth and I had waited and prayed for a child. God blessed me with a beautiful and healthy baby girl. I got all the embroidered dresses and blankets you can think of, every holiday outfit. We took her to Sesame Street Live – VIP behind the stage- at 18 months, and I had a personalized shirt made for her. Rookie mom, don’t judge. She liked the stairs at the event better than the show, or even Oscar the Grouch personally talking to us. But that didn’t matter because I got the pictures and memories I wanted.
I could afford it and make it all happen. My daughter went to a daycare that was close to our house and my husband would hold the fort down while I worked late at the firm. Professionally and domestically, I had achieved more than I had ever thought.
However, fast forward many years down the road, I started to notice how much I resented it and how much my loved ones resented it, too. There were not many people around to celebrate successes with and I was never not in survival mode. Those friends outside of work were also surviving, or, we just had lost contact over the years.
Personally, I had a husband who also worked a high demand professional job, and we had a baby that did not sleep through the night until almost four.
Professionally, I could not stop pursuing the next item on my to do list. If my phone, tablet, or laptop would even dare make a sound, I was on the edge of losing it. Who else needed to talk to me? Why couldn’t everyone leave me alone so I could work? I would read every popular self-help book on the shelves to help try minimize the mom guilt consuming me and the anxiety pounding in my chest.
Nothing was working and I grew more frustrated and bitter by the day. I isolated more people. People that loved me. I fell into a deep, toxic cycle of stress and burn out.
It was not until a small group of moms at the church we had transferred to for my daughter’s new school were kind to me, that I started to look outside my own blinders. They did not shame me for being an absentee wife and mom, for working too many hours, for not being at church every Sunday, for any of it. They wanted to know about me, our family, how they could help – they cared about me, about us and it was a much different caring than the type of caring that my corporate “family” had ever shown.
Through their kindness and openness, they drew me back to having a closer, personal relationship with God by inviting me into their lives, families, and community. They showed me God in their daily lives. There wasn’t a giant “come to Jesus” moment or anything grandiose. I didn’t even notice I was praying or attending church more often because I was not fully present.
However, I started to notice that when I felt the heaviness in my chest returning, I didn’t have a complete, instantaneous meltdown of being overwhelmed. No, I would text one of these ladies and say, “Hey? Got a second? If not, can you pray for me?”
I’ll tell you that nine times out of ten, they did both. They listened and they did not try to solve my problems. They reminded me that they were there for me and so was God. He had never left and He wasn’t upset with me, no, He was happy to see me returning with open arms. These ordinary women reminded me that God wasn’t finished with my story just yet, so I should keep going, keep praying, and don’t give up.
It was not quick nor has it been easy, but four years later from joining this church, and two-year post quitting the firm and changing my job…choosing God, my faith, my family, my friends has not failed me. It has been difficult. Looking back there were several exit ramps that I could have taken to avoid the pain or the drama…or the loss of sleep and sanity.
When God seeks to transform you and you allow him in, He remains persistent. My mind would race at night as I laid wide awake in bed, desperately wishing I could close my eyes without a new fear or worry coming in. I knew for a long time I wasn’t happy nor healthy, and I knew my husband and family resented my job, but I ignored it. It was easier to be complacent with my life and completely burnt out then to do anything about it, or so I thought.
I would pray and ask God for help, strength, peace, discernment, whatever I could think of for help and a desperate way out of my own hell. Although what I failed to realize is that I was clinging to my own personal hell versus clinging to God. I didn’t want to do the work nor put in any extra time to get myself out of the hell I had created. It was not like God had abandoned me. God was there the entire time, listening to me, watching over me, waiting for me to accept the truth so He could help me fight my way out of the situation. He wasn’t mad at me or holding any grudges for the choices I willingly made, but He was waiting to take me down a new path.
God may guide you away from certain ‘comforts’ to prepare you for growth. Often, this means letting go of what we cling to the most. He redirects us from toxic situations or people that we’ve knowingly embraced, setting the stage for a fresh start. We tend to see these exit ramps but we chose not to get off on that exit because it is easier for us to just continue down this path until the inevitable happens. You’re going to get burnt out, again and again and again.
If you’re struggling from burnout, girl, you have to make a change. A fresh start or a clean slate sounds like a dream come true but this isn’t a Disney movie. With any new beginning comes change. Change is hard, we don’t care for change as human beings. It sucks, but it is not impossible. We are capable of changing and doing hard things through Christ.
I know you don’t need one more thing on your to-do list, especially one I am telling you that is not easy. Trust me, the transformation that God is preparing is so worth it. He doesn’t want you running ragged, being a super mom that can do it all. He doesn’t expect that because He knows that we are incapable of doing it all ourselves. We cannot do it all, we fail, we have proven this to ourselves time and time again. We give ourselves expectations that even God knows we cannot achieve. Why? Because in the everyday scurry that is getting everyone to school and work and then back home again just to do it all over, we lose sight of what matters. We’re spinning our wheels and doing the motions, but we’re not going anywhere.
I don’t know about you but that is SO frustrating that it makes me angry even writing this. I hate when I work and work and work and I get nowhere! Have you ever heard the quote, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.”? I tried every self help book, influencer ideas, project management apps, you name it.
You want to know what worked?
When I admitted that I was the problem and I needed His help to recover…
When I told myself and I actually believed that my career is not more important than my family or my faith…
When I opened my heart and let God in; he transformed my hard, stubborn heart.
This transformation caused me to start reevaluating connections, environments, and relationships in my everyday life. It is possible that not everyone and everything from your past will join you on your journey ahead…and that is ok. No guilt needed. As you allow God into your life and you start to transition to this new phase of recovery, embrace these moments when you find yourself going to Him. When others don’t understand or push you away, know it is not a reflection of your worth. Keep your head held high and cling to what really matters.
If you don’t know where to start, start here and now. It does not have to be profound, or documented. Just be you. Any amount of time with God is better than none. Do not let the amount of time or the type of time deter you; sis, that is the devil trying to get you to walk away and continue down your own path to crazyville. Baby steps. Rome was not built in a day.
I started by praying/talking aloud to God on my way to work on the way to the office. Then I started listening to an audio devotional before I prayed on my commute. When I changed jobs, my commute time then transformed into my morning time with God. I can tell you it is my favorite part of the day. You do not know what will happen if you do not start, but you have to start. Start by inviting God on your journey and asking Him to guide you and rescue you off this path of burnout.
Almighty God,
As I open my heart to You, light up my path. Provide me the wisdom and strength I need to stay invigorated in Your love. Let me lean on You, finding solace from burnout and rejuvenation in your world. Amen.
