If only parenting came with a “how-to” manual or a training guide. You can read all of the books out there on the market, and yet when that day comes, you may remember a nugget or two on the “how-to” that you’ve pocketed for later, but most likely, you’re going off of instinct. You start to just do. It’s trial and error day by day. This is what comes naturally.
However, there will be days you may think to yourself “Oh my goodness” …
- I totally failed
- That did not go as planned
- I’ve messed this kid/these kids up
- I am not a good parent
- How am I going to survive this
Kids are resilient. They just want love, cuddles, dry diapers (if in that stage), and food. They also want your time and attention.
We have found that these three simple things greatly improve any relationship with our kids because we are modeling healthy communication:
- Put Down/Set aside any distractions we are holding when our kid comes to talk to us.
- Get down on their level and look them in the eye.
- Speak to them in Affirmations & try not to speak in Absolutes.
Putting down/setting aside distractions
Putting down/setting aside distractions when they approach, shows them that we value them more than whatever is before us. The more kids you have, the more frequent the approach may be. In order to get your stuff done, set a limit.
“Today, kiddos, I need from 8-2 pm to get stuff done. Unless there is a fire, blood, or an emergency room visit needed, ask a sibling for help.”
I also set day expectations at that time. i.e.
“I expect you outside until at least 10 am, and you may also have a total of 1 hour T.V. and 1 hour game time, during my busy times. Other than that you need to be reading, writing, drawing, or entertaining one another until 2 pm.”
This gives them a time frame to work with. Littles won’t get it, and they still may interrupt, but then they will get less upset when you remind them after 2 pm, when you approach them and say, “I’m all yours.” Even if your time slot can only be 6-8 pm, you’re giving them a time that says – “this time is for you.”
Get down on their level
The next best thing you can do to connect is to get down on their level. Kids are less likely to listen to us when we are literally talking down to them. When we get on their level, we send a message that we are seeing them and hearing them. We have come down to their world. If your kids are older, find a common ground like taking a seat at a table or on the couch to talk.
Sometimes this method requires patience. A kid’s world doesn’t move as fast as an adult’s. We ask a lot of them by filling their days full and dragging them from place to place. It’s natural that they act out and have tantrums since they can’t process or articulate as quickly as adults.
I remember a time when our son was two and we were at a park. I was ready to go and prep dinner. He wanted to stay and play. He started to scream his head off, so I squatted down to his level told him why I wanted to get going, and asked that he come along. He just continued to scream. So I walked a bit towards the direction in which we’d leave and I took a seat on the ground and told him I’d be there when he was ready. He didn’t run back to the park to play and he didn’t run to me to go home. He stood there (for what felt like an eternity) to process his world. When he was ready, he came over, cool and calm, and we went home.
Speaking in affirmations
Lastly, speaking in affirmations helps to show them you’re there to encourage them. It boosts their confidence in life. Before you toss out a negative, like
“You didn’t pick up your shoes again, I’ve asked a million times.”
Maybe you say
“Hey, I appreciate how you remembered to make your bed today, let’s get to those shoes by lunch, too!” This approach doesn’t shame them, it points out a thing they did accomplish and reminds them of a request unmet.
While leaving absolutes out of conversations helps to create confidence in kids, it also eliminates disappointments. Saying things like “you’ll never” or “you always…” can be damaging. The more they hear phrases like these, the more they will become the voices inside of their head. Alternative phrases like “with practice” or “sometimes…” are small word changes with big results.
Some of you may be reading this and jumping back to the “oh my goodness…” list.
Don’t go there. Kids are resilient and will bounce back!
These 3 things are things we try to use in our household to communicate with our children. That doesn’t mean we always succeed. What matters is trying, and showing up to try again just as hard the next day. If you start with good intentions but see/hear yourself slipping, own it. Right in the middle of the mess, take a beat and adjust. You’re kiddo will see you and respect you all the more for it.
These 3 takeaways are not a “how-to”, or a training guide. With practice they become our auto-pilot, they become our instinctual parenting. Children are extremely resilient, but if we want them to become resilient young adults, these are great life skills to teach them. They not only work with parenting but with relationships in general.
Above anything else, the biggest thing we can do for our children is pray for them.
Pray over their lives, their friendships, their personality, and their character. Pray that they continue to seek God in all that they do. Pray for your relationship with them as well. Pray that you’re able to practice getting on their level and setting aside your distractions. Pray that you speak positively into their lives, and for patience when it’s hard to do so.
Prayer changes our hearts and attitudes and it helps to align us with God, while the above are small adjustments that can make big changes in your relationship with your kiddos…
Prayer is the only “how-to” manual needed in life. The world doesn’t have the answers on how we are to raise our kids. God does. Because they are His kids, we are His kids, He will lead us to train up our children in the way they should go ~ Proverbs 22:6
