It’s a dark crisp fall morning. The streetlights are still on and there is hardly any traffic on the roads.
It is time to wake up my teenage daughter for school. My daughter is not a morning person much like her Dad and really struggles to get out of bed every day. However, her struggle to get out of bed is even harder as she wrestles with major depression and other mental health problems. I dread waking her up most mornings because the struggle is real. The struggle isn’t only on her but for me to encourage and motivate her to get ready for school. If you have any experience with depression or anxiety, getting out of bed can be really tough. It is challenging even as a parent to motivate myself in a loving way daily to get her out of bed.
My daughter started to struggle severely with depression and mood disorders around 8th grade. She has been in and out of psychiatric facilities, home based therapies and tried about a half dozen different types of antidepressants.
It has been disheartening at times not being able to “fix” my child.
I strive to understand her ever changing roller coaster of moods, emotions and reactions. I have talked to God at length over the last several years about why everything we’ve been doing for her isn’t working. I’ve cried myself to sleep many nights praying for God to fix her and help her to find joy.
During the early stages of her diagnosis, I reached out to our pastors for prayer. We as parents don’t have to be alone in this because we have a wonderful church community. Our pastors have visited our daughter even though they were unsure of what to say or how to support her at times. Just knowing someone cares and is praying for you can be so helpful to a person who struggles with mental health and their family.
However, there still is a false stigma among a lot of people with regards to mental health. I still don’t feel comfortable talking to casual friends or acquaintances about mental health at times. Bystanders sometimes think that mental illness is a choice, or someone is just lazy. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
Something else I discovered on this path was that even though we are believers, it doesn’t mean that we will be full of joy and happiness all the time. This was perfectly said in Stephen Saunders book Martin Luther on Mental Health where he says, “Many mistakenly believe that the idea of salvation and God’s love should always cause them joy.” He nailed it on the head with that statement. Do you feel full of joy every day because I sure don’t? Just because I believe in the truth of salvation, I won’t feel like sunshine and rainbows every day. Children dealing with depression definitely aren’t going to experience or feel joy.
My dear daughter deals with many common struggles of mental health, from intrusive thoughts to sleeping a lot, and I had a hard time learning how to decipher between normal teen behavior and depression at times. As we talked to a variety of therapists, I had to learn to be patient with the process. Much like when we pray to God for something, the answers don’t always come quickly or in a way that we anticipated. Even though she struggles with this daily, we too share in her struggle because it doesn’t just affect her but our whole family.
I know that my daughter wrestles with intrusive thoughts including those related to her faith. She has asked why God allows people to endure depression and anxiety. I remind her frequently to talk to God and pray to him when she is having intrusive thoughts. Only he can calm her and give her guidance. Through the years of ever-changing emotions and medications, my daughter has remained aware of her faith. She stands firm in her salvation and realizes the grace the Lord bestows upon her.
Another great piece of encouragement from Stephan Saunders book Martin Luther on Mental Health, says that “God both loves and hates our afflictions. He loves them when they provoke us to pray. He hates them when we are driven to despair by them.” We are all going to have afflictions from time to time and we need to be reminded that returning to prayer will give us the guidance and faith to endure. If we focus on the afflictions, it can lead us down a dark road causing unnecessary anguish.
It’s hard as a parent to see your child not enjoy the things that they used to enjoy. I want so much to take away the darkness, self-doubt and negative thoughts so she can live a full life. But God never promised us a life without struggles. Jesus reminds his followers in John 16:33 “In the world you will have tribulation!” Martin Luther himself struggled with painful health problems that caused him to go through depressive episodes and doubt his faith. Yet, despite his own hardships, he encouraged others through numerous letters to not lose faith or be discouraged based on their own health problems. I try to encourage my daughter on those days she is having intrusive thoughts and remind her of God’s grace and love for her.
Life as a parent of a child with mental health struggles can feel like you’re standing in the middle of a tornado, being blown every which way and looking up for the sun to appear again. It’s messy, out of control and hard at times. As a parent, how do we help our children when they are struggling with mental illness? The first thing I realized in this journey is I can’t make my child better; I can’t be happy for them or scare away the intrusive thoughts.
I realized that I CAN’T DO ANYTHING!
No one wants to admit that they are incapable of helping or fixing something. As a parent we might even consider that a weakness. But I realized that the only person that could work in my child was God. I spent nights on my knees praying to God and crying out of frustration for answers. Yep, no self-help book is going to fix my child, no magic pill or even the best therapist.
Dear parents, don’t be discouraged because God is still working in all of us. Even though we can’t “fix our child” we can pray for them, we can have hope and share in their day-to-day struggles. Thankfully we have our faith to help sustain us during these moments. We have church, prayer, encouragement, resources to help us learn how to help our child/children and a God who wants us to look to Him for support and guidance.
Mental health is not black and white nor are the children who struggle with it daily. We have to fight and advocate for our kids. Pray for them always.