Coping With Loneliness

When I was in college, I was blessed with an awesome group of girl friends. We lived as roommates and suitmates all four years of college and we were inseparable. It was the type of friend group that truly becomes like family. And I had friends in different groups on campus – including touring choir, campus ministry, pre-med club. I loved that whenever I walked across our small campus I would run into several friends to say hi to. I felt like I truly belonged to a strong and loving community. 

All of that changed my senior year when the COVID pandemic began and I was forced to complete my college experience online at home. After my virtual graduation, my family moved four hours away and I was out on my own, living in a small apartment and attending a graduate nursing program online. My boyfriend and I were long-distance.

I quickly grew tired of only talking with my favorite people, the people who knew me the best, over face-time. 

At the start of that year I lived alone, I was the loneliest I have ever been. I was completely unused to coming home after work to an empty apartment, eating every meal alone, and attending church by myself. I felt like I was drowning in the feeling of being alone. I missed my close group of friends, my community at school, my family, and my sweet boyfriend. I felt an ache in my heart and a deep desire to just see a friendly face in my new town. 

Loneliness is one of the most horrible emotions we experience. But, it is also very natural and normal to feel this way. 

Loneliness is natural because humans are, well, meant to be with other humans. Let’s take a look at our very beginning. In Genesis 2, when God had nearly finished forming all of creation, he saw a problem. He had made all of the incredible animals and creatures of the world, but there was not a fitting companion for the man Adam among the animals God had made from the ground. God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18). 

And so God didn’t turn back to the ground to form a companion (a helper). He made Eve, the first woman, out of Adam himself. “And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man” (Genesis 2:22). God planned for people to be so deeply and intricately tied together that he formed the first woman from the first man. And from their intimate connection came children – the next people.

We aren’t meant to be alone. It’s not good for us to be isolated. So, if you are in a place right now where you are lacking meaningful connection and feeling lonelier by the day, know that what you are feeling is natural. There is nothing wrong with you if you feel lonely.

Being lonely feels sad but also… vulnerable. You might feel desperate for some kind of real connection but you’re nervous about appearing needy. You put on a smile and a tough exterior – you don’t really need others, it would just be nice to get out of the house, you try to convince yourself and the people around you. When you’re lonely and you don’t have a strong support system around you, it is easy to get dragged down by negative thoughts or to imagine what other people think of you (probably the ways you think they’re criticizing you).

Girl, just don’t do it. You don’t have to pretend you are feeling fine when you feel alone. Instead –

BE HONEST

If you’ve moved out on your own and you are struggling with that transition, it’s okay to let your inner circle know that you need some extra support right now. Tell your family and your closest friends how you are feeling. Give them the opportunity to love on you!

After about a month of living on my own, I was truly struggling… But I didn’t want to show it. I was trying to be strong about how lonely I was and I was telling friends and family how school and work were going well. Until one day I finally broke down. I called my mom and sobbed, “I’m so alone. I’ve never been this alone. I don’t know what to do.” 

That weekend, my mom showed up at my apartment, took me out to lunch and coffee, and just sat and watched TV with me. We hung out and had some really good conversations. I was able to process the emotions of this change with her and how much I missed those I loved. It was a time when she showed up because I admitted I was not okay. And just that made everything a little more okay.

Be honest with the new people in your life too. Don’t put on a “brave” face and make up a story about exciting plans when your new coworkers ask you about your weekend. Be honest and let them know you’re still adjusting.

Maybe ask them about their favorite weekend activities, restaurant suggestions, fun places to hike. It’s okay to say that you’re looking to get to know more people and suggest grabbing a drink after work or eating lunch together.

This part can be really challenging because I know you already feel vulnerable and now I’m telling you to put yourself out there and ask someone to do something with you? Yes… The effort and discomfort of being vulnerable and honest now will pay out in dividends when you’ve made a new connection. Most of the people you meet also want to make new connections. They’ll enjoy feeling like you want to get to know them! 

Although I was scared at first, I made some incredible friends when I was going through my season of loneliness. And the best friends I had I got to know because I took the first step in initiating conversations, asking them questions, and pursuing a friendship. Yes – I was terrified. But I’d hate to think I would never have gotten to know those awesome people if I hadn’t taken the risk to let them get to know me first. 

Instead of worrying how they’ll perceive you, ask yourself, “How can I honestly show up as myself?” That’s the best way to make connections.

YOU ARE NOT TRULY ALONE                       

The good news is that if you are a Christian and you know Jesus, you are never really all alone. When Jesus was here on earth, he promised his disciples (his closest friends):

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.” – John 14:16-17

How cool is it that Jesus calls the Holy Spirit the Helper? This is the same word that God used in Genesis 2 when he said that it was not good for Adam to be alone. God said, “I will make him a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18). Just as God made the perfect companion for Adam, Eve, he also sends the perfect companion to us! Jesus told the disciples, “he dwells with you and will be in you” (John 14:17). This is true for believers today.

One of my favorite verses about the Holy Spirit’s presence with us says this, “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words” (Romans 8:26).

When I was really lonely, I would read Scripture and journal prayers to God. Maybe you’re feeling lonely not only because you’re disconnected from other people but also from God. Know that God does not leave you. The Holy Spirit himself prays for you when you’re not sure what words to say to God.

We’re made to be with people and we’re made to be with God. An awesome place to experience both of those is in church. If you’re having trouble making connections at your church, try volunteering to help with an event or class. Completing tasks or a project with others can be a great way to bond. Reach out to your pastor, deaconess, DCE, or elder. Let them know that you would like to be more involved and make some more connections at church. Their job is to take care of you. Don’t be afraid to be honest with them. 

Know that wherever you are or however lonely you are, God’s helper the Spirit is with you and he always will be.

Here are some of the ways that I connected with God when I felt the loneliest:

• Take a walk out in nature and listen to a book of the Bible (I like to use the Bible App).
• Write out prayers. This can help you collect your thoughts if you’re having trouble praying. It is awesome to look back and see how God answered your prayers.
• Use music. Listen to a Christian songs playlist on Spotify while you do chores. If you like to sing or play an instrument, use that. I love to play piano and I used to play hymns all by myself. It was a beautiful time that often led me to prayer.
• Join a Bible study at church. This is a good way to grow in your Biblical knowledge while also having some social interaction!
• Pray using Scripture. There are many Psalms that I used to pray to God when I was feeling sad, lonely, or anxious.

If you are reading this and struggling with loneliness, I hope you know that you are not alone. I’m cheering you on!